What Was Left Behind
by lickitysplit
Summary: As Allura tries to heal from Lotor's betrayal, she is also plagued by guilt for leaving him behind. She heads out to seek answers to soothe her heart, but finds the universe is filled with the unexpected. Spoilers through the end of season six.


**Summary:** As Allura tries to heal from Lotor's betrayal, she is also plagued by guilt for leaving him behind. She heads out to seek answers to soothe her heart, but finds the universe is filled with the unexpected. Spoilers through the end of season six.

 **A/N:** Thank you for reading! Although I have been writing fan fiction for a loooong time, this is my first Voltron fic. I'm very nervous and excited to be posting, and I hope you all enjoy.

* * *

 **Chapter 1**

It was evening, the sky lit in a mixture of dark purples and bright oranges as the three moons shone faintly in the sky. Allura stood on the balcony of the castle, sighing as a breeze brought the scent of flowers as it lifted her hair.

It was beautiful here, and peaceful. It had been so long since there was fighting… what was it again? Oh yes, the war. But Zarkon was long gone, and it had been ages since the princess had to climb into the Blue Lion and fight.

She sighed, listening to the faint sound of voices. She should go and find the others, but it was so lovely out on the balcony. Even sensing the presence of someone behind her was not enough to grab her attention away; not until two strong arms reached around and pulled her into an embrace.

Her head sank backwards to rest against a firm chest. "Allura," a voice murmured, deep and rich like chocolate. She breathed in a scent that made her think of lush furniture and jewels. It was the scent of power. "Allura…"

Lips brushed on hers. "Allura?"

"Yes?" she whispered.

"You left me." The arms around her waist grew tighter, and she gasped. "You left me there. You could have saved me, you could have gone back for me but now you're gone and I'm _lost_ -"

"No… no…" Why wasn't her voice working? She opened her mouth to scream as he began to shake her.

"You left me there to die, how could you do that? You could have saved me. We had something real and you left it in the darkness, and now I'm gone forever, and you know you could have saved me, you know you could have, Allura! Allura! _Allura_!"

The scream erupted then, but not as loud as she had hoped; instead it was a strangled moan, the sound so foreign that it jolted her from her dream. Rapidly she blinked upwards at dark, smooth stone, her hands clenching into the blanket underneath her.

"Allura? Are you awake?"

"Y-yes," she stammered.

Pidge loomed over her as she slowly closed her eyes for a moment. "Were you dreaming?" she asked. "You were talking in your sleep."

"Strange dream," responded Allura, sitting up shakily. She pressed the heel of her hand against her forehead. "What time is it?"

"Late afternoon, I think. Time is weird here." Pidge shrugged. "But Keith and his mom are back with food and Hunk made it edible. We're eating and Coran has something to show us."

Allura nodded. "Okay, I'll be there in less than a dobash. Thank you."

With a last glance of brief concern, Pidge walked out of the alcove where she had made her space. Allura was left to breathe deeply, trying to shake the dream away. Lotor was in it, she knew that much; most of her dreams the past week were about him, and she had not gotten much sleep at all as a result.

Once her hair was smoothed and her uniform straightened Allura joined the others outside. After deciding to take a few days to rest and plan their journey, the first order of business had been to find food and shelter. Coran had found these series of caves on whatever planet they were on-she could never remember half their names-and after confirming they were empty the group had settled inside.

Now the band was just outside, sitting in clusters as Hunk handed out what smelled like cooked carrots and looked like long purple vines. Allura didn't feel hungry at all, however, so she went to check on Shiro, who was sitting on the ground and propped up against a box of equipment. He held a bowl of broth in his his remaining hand, and Allura crouched down next to him with a smile. "How are you feeling?" she asked.

"Okay for now," he answered.

She winced at how weak he still sounded after being back for days. "I'm glad you're eating," she told him. "You need your strength."

"I'll be glad to get back to Earth," Shiro sighed. "Some familiar surroundings will help for sure." He looked up and gave her a little smile. "You guys are going to like it, I bet. I hope I'm strong enough to show you and Coran and the others around."

Allura smiled, even though she was not nearly as excited. She was curious about Earth, certainly, and was interested in seeing where the other Paladins had come from. But another journey seemed exhausting, as necessary as it was. For the hundredth time she wished the Castle was still there, and she could be surrounded by comfort and her own, familiar things as they planned their next steps.

Coran was calling them together, so with a last pat on his shoulder Allura stood and joined the group. "We think we have course," he said once they were gathered. "Between what Krolia has learned travelling the universe and what I've pieced together from our old maps, I think I know the quadrant where we will find Earth. Without exact coordinates we can't program the lions, but I believe that I can get us close enough that you all from the planet can navigate once we get there."

His beaming grin was met with doubt. "Don't you all remember what Earth looks like?" he cried.

"Well yeah," Hunk said. "But we never exactly piloted towards it in space."

"Regardless it's our best shot," Coran said huffily. He snatched up a map and began rolling it up. "Once we are inside your galaxy we'll figure something out."

He went on with the explanation of the route, but Allura barely listened. Her dream was still nagging her; there was no doubt it was another about Lotor. His voice still rang in her mind, what he had said to her before the battle: _I have feelings for you, and I know you do too_.

It was the truth, of course. Ever since they had returned from their first journey into the quintessence field, she had felt a connection to him, one that went beyond their shared heritage or the discoveries they had made. For the first time since her awakening, she could see a future beyond the war. A future of family, of living instead of fighting-a future that included Lotor. A future that had been sealed with a kiss that still burned against her lips and left her stupid, treasonous heart fluttering.

Yet she had left him behind. Despite her oath as a Paladin to protect everyone, they had left him behind. And that plagued her more than any of the lost futures or unspoken emotion.

"Do you remember them, Allura?"

The princess snapped back from her thoughts, blinking at Coran. "Sorry, what were you saying?" she said sheepishly.

"The Molvanians. They were always great friends to Altea. Do you remember them?" He frowned at her. "Are you all right?"

The rest of the group were also peering at her closely, the worry plain in their expressions. Allura cleared her throat and smiled. "Yes, sorry. Just tired. It's hard to sleep without all the castle sounds."

That seemed to take away the looks of concern, until Pidge said, "You were having a nightmare just now, weren't you?"

"No, no," Allura answered, waving her hand. "Just a dream. But yes," she went on, turning back to Coran, "I remember the Molvanians. Are they still loyal?"

"Almost certainly so," Coran explained. "We had brief contact when forming the alliance. But they are so very out of the way we never went personally. I believe their planet will be a good spot for us to stop on our journey to rest and restock supplies. They will help us for sure."

He pointed to a map of the universe, his finger trailing along the planned course. Yet as he continued talking, she found her eyes drifting along the parchment. In a nearly parallel path to their own, the site of the former gate to the quintessence field stared back at her. Suddenly she could hear Lotor's voice again, see his eyes as he looked at her pleadingly in the hall of the castle. Then she saw him being pulled by the energy of the field, felt the anxiety of deciding whether to try and save him and risk all of their lives.

"Anyone have any questions?" Coran finished.

"Coran." Everyone looked up at the princess, who went on, "There's something I wanted to do before heading to Earth. If I leave early, I can go and meet with you on the Molvanian planet."

"What's so important you have to do right away?" Keith asked.

Allura's mouth went dry for a moment as she thought. "I… I wanted to check a planet in the area. Lotor had mentioned there were some structures there that looked Altean."

"Altean? What structures?" Coran asked.

Her heart was beating wildly, her face flushed. She didn't _want_ to lie to them… but at the same time, they would never let her go. "I don't know what I'm looking for exactly," she said carefully. "But I can travel faster on my own, and meet up with you at the rest stop."

"This doesn't sound like a good idea," said Lance. "You going off on your own?"

"Yeah, I agree. Plus you don't know who or what is still out there," added Hunk.

Keith patted her arm. "Don't worry. Once we get Shiro stable and we get a new castle up and running, then we'll help you find whatever you want to look for, okay?"

The rest of the Paladins agreed, so Allura nodded. "Good," said Keith, turning back to the others. "Well leave the day after tomorrow. Let's spend our time finding as many resources as we can, and get everything packed and ready. We'll still take guard shifts, but everyone should get as much rest as possible. Understood?"

Once that was settled, the team went back to finishing their dinner. Before she could leave, however, Keith stopped her. "I'm sorry," he said. "I know you want to go. But I feel like this is the best for all of us."

"I know," Allura sighed. She smiled at Keith, feeling proud of how easily he had slipped back into the role of leader. Whether it was finding his mother and learning more about himself, or whether it was uncovering the truth about Shiro, it was difficult to tell; maybe both a bit. But it was nice to have the pressure of leading eased with him taking part of the load. He had come a long way since they had arrived as students months ago.

"We will go back, if you feel that strongly about it," Keith assured her. "I promise."

Allura nodded and moved to take a seat near where Hunk and Lance were joking around about something called a _television show_. She was handed a bowl of the purple vines-which actually didn't taste bad at all-and tried not to think about the person who almost was a part of their group.

* * *

Pushing him out of her mind was easier said than done. Hours later she laid in her makeshift bed, once more staring at the cold, smooth ceiling of the cave. There were soft sounds coming from the other little nooks within, as the others slept. Allura guessed it was halfway through the night, her insomnia allowing the princess to become astute at telling how much time was passing.

 _I can't let this go. Why can't I let this go?_

 _He betrayed me. He murdered Alteans. He lied to me. He used me._

Allura rolled over, a bit of heat rising in the back of her neck. It felt so _stupid_ to be thinking about him. It didn't matter what the quintessence made him do at the end. That had nothing to do with what he had done _before_ , how many of her people he had hurt in the name of research. He was no different than Zarkon, in the end. His father had thought that he had a noble calling too.

She closed her eyes, and immediately he came unsummoned to her mind. The long white hair, the beautiful skin that covered a strong body that made her feel so _protected_. Those eyes that were so intelligent, so earnest in everything he said. Lotor had been serious about everything, something she had thought would change as time went on. He was a king, after all, and she was a princess. She knew the pressures of ruling. She knew how difficult it was to let down your guard.

Her eyelashes felt wet, and in surprise she blinked. Turning her face into the roll of blankets that served as a pillow, Allura groaned. Now she was _crying_ over that _lying ass_.

That lying ass that made her think, for the first time, that she had a future beyond the war.

With an angry swipe at her eyes, Allura sat up. This was ridiculous. She'd never get the closure she needed if… if she didn't see he was really gone. Whether or not they made the right decision not to go back for Lotor, what was done was done. There was no way to get to him now. She just needed to _see_ it for herself, to be sure. Then she could let go.

Quickly she was up and pulling on her boots, throwing her cloak around her neck, and then packing a few things into a rucksack. The Lions had been emptied when they arrived in order to sort through everything they had taken from the castle in the mad rush to empty it. Allura packed a few extra clothes, some food, making sure she had her bayard and an extra weapon. Then she carefully picked her way through the cave, cautious not to wake anyone.

Outside the world was dark, the only light from the stars that dotted the black galaxy beyond. A glance around told her that nothing moved. The Lions were sitting in a semicircle outside of their camp, and Allura headed straight for the Blue Lion.

But when she reached it, she found Lance sitting on the front right paw. "Allura!" he said in a surprised greeting. "What are you doing?"

"I… uh…" Her eyes drifted up to the Lion, and she swore she saw its eyes flash for a moment. "I couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd run through some diagnostics. Just to keep myself busy."

"Uh huh."

He clearly didn't believe the excuse, folding his arms as he stood and walked towards her. "What are you doing here?" she challenged.

Lance shrugged, then smiled up at the Lion. "I'm on guard duty first. Sometimes I use it as a chance for me and Blue to catch up. Can't ditch the old friends for new." He glanced at her, a knowing look in his eye. "Is that what you're doing?"

"Fine." Allura stepped closer, her voice dropping. "You're right. I'm going back. But I have to, Lance. I just need to know if… if he's really gone."

"You know he is. We all saw it." Lance's brow drew down as he frowned deeply. "What are you trying to prove? He was our enemy."

Allura closed her eyes for a moment. "He wasn't always."

"Look, I understand you might have-had feelings for him-"

"Then you understand why I have to go!" Allura looked him in the eyes, taking a deep breath. "I'm not going to do anything. I know that path is closed. I just need to make peace with it, and to do that, I have to go see for myself. Otherwise I'll never be able to let it all go."

Lance sighed heavily. "So what then? You're going to go off on your own? You can't do that."

"Why not?" she snapped. "I know where I'm going. I'll have the Lion with me. There are no enemies between here and the field. I'll meet everyone in a few days, and then we can go on to Earth, and this will be behind me."

"Allura," said Lance, shaking his head, "you need an escort at least, or a guard, or something."

She placed her hand on top of his folded arms. "What I need is a friend."

Lance dropped his arms down, his mouth twisting a bit. "You want me to lie for you? Do you hear yourself?"

"No! Not lie. Just… convince them not to worry. I'll be fine," she assured him. "Please just trust me. I know this is the right thing to do."

He looked away for a moment, his eyes searching the horizon, as if the answer was out there somewhere. "Fine," he finally agreed, his voice tight. "I'll cover for you. But Allura-"

"Thank you," she breathed. The princess threw her arms around him and gave the surprised Paladin a quick squeeze, and then hurried up to the Lion.

The beast immediately responded, its mouth opening so she could run up the ramp. The systems began to click on, lights appearing to illuminate her way to the cockpit, and by the time she reached her perch the Lion was online. But when she slid into her seat, the Lion did not respond, the start sequence failing to begin.

It was resisting her, but whether it was from Lance's doubts or her own she could not tell. "Please," she whispered, running her hands gingerly over the levers of the control panel. "I know you will understand. Will you take me back to him? I need this."

Her head dropped down, a single tear unexpectedly sliding down her cheek and splashing onto her knee. The emotion she had been holding carefully in check started to crack through the wall comprised of shock and grief, and Allura took a shaky breath. "We'll go and look. And then come right back. Okay?"

Finally her seat moved, bringing her forward so she could operate the controls comfortably. Allura smiled, her crying cut off with a grateful laugh. "Thank you," she said quietly, and then took to the sky, heading for the future she had to leave behind.


End file.
